Raise your hand if you find yourself looking for blame more times than not in the face of a situation gone south...................(my hand is raised but I am lowering it because one handed typing is tough!)
That's right there cannot be one among us who has not been quick to look for blame when something has gone wrong. Why? It is HUMAN! However, being a natural human trait does not make it a totally desirable one. Blame is actually a conduit for the discharging of pain. Let me illustrate this point.....
You are waiting for a train to go and see your family after a long time away and the announcement rings out that the train is cancelled. I imagine one of a few things goes through your head (add in your own cuss words as mist authentically reflects you on the receiving end of bad news,) 'I am sick of train workers going on Strike', 'It's the Governments fault,' 'I told them I would be better catching an earlier train - if I hadn't listened to them I would be there now.' 'My work is to blame for this, I hate this job' etc.
Not for one second am I saying that these thoughts are not valid - nor that one or more of these may have some part to play in the collapse of your precious family time BUT by going straight to blame all you are doing is discharging pain and over time and in more personal scenarios that becomes corrosive. Let's take this to a more personal level...........
Your partner fails to arrange child care for the weekend and suddenly your plans are in chaos. Yes the most visceral and immediate sensation is BLAME! Their fault for forgetting, their fault for not listening, their fault for being self centred etc. This then leads to a fiery exchange of you said/ I said, slammed doors, ignored phone calls or messages and an atmosphere you could slice and pour gravy on.
So what is the answer when we feel this rage, anger or distress in response to things not going our way. The first thing in any situation is
PAUSE IT- take a few deep breaths, which alone will not solve anything but may just save you from accusing and finger pointing and inciting a war of words.
POSE IT - Then we need to think about some really clear, calm communication strategies: Speak your feelings out 'I am upset because you said you would sort the child care and now I will have to miss the conference I have been looking forward to for months.'
PARK IT - Now check in on them because you could well be missing something key. 'Before we go any further I want you to let me know what's going on for you - are you feeling overwhelmed at work? Have i missed something?' and let them speak uninterrupted and without judgement.
PEEL IT - You may need to go under the layers now because you will have feelings as will they about how the situation played out. This is a great time to acknowledge that you know blame is not going to help the scenario.
PROMISE IT - Look for a promise you can both make and keep to lessen the chances of a repeat performance. 'I promise to check in with you more often so that I know if you are feeling overwhelmed' and they could say, 'I promise to communicate my needs as well as trying to accommodate yours.'
PEACE IT - Call your truce and then go and do something that can safely discharge any left over anger or frustration - because you are NOT A ROBOT! This could be exercise, housework, calling a friend (not to regurgitate the situation though) or having time to journal or listen to music alone - whatever works for you.
This is not a sticking plaster, it takes time, patience, practice, forgiveness, self-compassion and a whole heap of determination - but it will ensure that your long term relationships are solid and most importantly your relationship to yourself is grounded in integrity - and that will give you a greater sense of emotional wellbeing and pour into every area of your life in a positive way.
X Love and Empowerment Fliss X